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Saturday, 8 September 2012
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
Too often, as first time parents, we cling to the advice of those who have preceded us. A lot of it is malarky. Here is my list of the top 8 (because I was too lazy to think of 10) gadgets, doodads, and trinkets that everyone raves about for absolutely no good reason. These are all personal views that I implore you to adopt because they just make sense.
8: Diaper Genie- Really? One more thing you need to worry about? Ditch it and reuse those zillions of grocery bags you're hoarding 'just because'.
7: Parenting Books- Thousands of pages that will have you questioning your abilities as a functioning human being. Cavemen got by just fine, and look how far we've come since. Use your head.
6: Leap Pads- Read your kid a damn book. If I can learn to read with such prehistoric materials as ink and paper, your kids can, too.
5: Baby Apps- What happened to good, old-fashioned Lego?
4: Genius Propaganda- Your four month old will NOT write a world-renowned symphony because he watched a $75 DVD. I promise.
3: Learning Toys- I'm talking about those flashy, obnoxious, repetitive electronic dealies that make you want to kill yourself after 3 minutes of them residing in your home. They're not doing anything but annoying the pants off of you.
2: Organic Clothing- Who do you think you're fooling?
1: Cell Phones- The fact that I even need to add this is mind-boggling. Who the hell is your 3 year-old calling? Dora? Get a grip.
|Innocent? Not bloody likely!|
As mothers, we don't rejoice when we can hear our own thoughts because, more often than not, that eerie quiet is simply the calm before the storm. Toddlers are noisy by nature. They were designed that way, so we'd be able to get shit done around the house, while ensuring they haven't killed themselves or the family pet.
A lack of screeching and cacophony emanating from these wee beasts is usually a reason to panic. Either they've fallen asleep (ya, right), or more likely, they've found something fascinating (read: destructive) to occupy them.
While making lunch today, such a scenario took place in my living room. I foolishly assumed that The Wiggles would entertain him for the twenty minutes I'd be puttering around the kitchen. A girl can dream, right? Piggle took advantage of my trusting nature and complete lack of knowledge of basic knot techniques by having a swim...in the fish tank. Asshole.
Just as I was flipping the last of our Lilypad Pancakes (see here for recipe) onto a plate to cool, the stillness of the past quarter hour was shattered into a trillion tiny pieces.
Wait! What do panties have to do with this? Everything, my friends. Everything.
As soon as I heard the water hit the floor, I bolted from the kitchen, and the devastation I was met with---along with the horrified look on the boy's face---sent me into a hysterical fit of laughter...during which, I pissed myself.
Oh, the joys of motherhood.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
You've read correctly; I'm talking about poop! As different as all of our children are, they all have that one thing in common and that one thing draws us together in solidarity.
Over the years, I've babysat, nannied, been around (you get the point) a lot of toddlers. The one thing I noticed amongst all of them is that they all had a fairly regular 'schedule'. Piggle does not. I never know when the assault on my nostrils will happen. He's a ticking poop bomb! I was really looking forward to being able to plan my day around a deuce, but I guess, as with most other 'normal' toddler behaviors, I'm S.O.L. (pardon the pun).
To all of you with newborns, let me just say that I am jealous. Until about 10 months old, I could have shoved the boy's diaper right up my nose and not even minded. There was no smell. Now, however, I can detect Piggle-droppings from a mile away, and it's not a skill I brag about. These bad boys are toxic!
We recently discovered there is a difference in poo smells, and of course, Piggle's would be the worst kind. As it happens, he is allergic to milk. Those of you who are lactose intolerant may be able to relate. It is the epitome of stink when this boy drops a load, and unfortunately, because we were giving him milk, it was happening 78 times a day.
We've since cut dairy out of his diet as much as possible, and things are slowly going back to normal. I'm hoping, once it clears his system completely, he'll get into a routine. It would make life so much easier! I could save money on diapers, and I wouldn't have to search frantically for somewhere to change him in public, while praying he doesn't blow out the sides!
Speaking of bum changes on the fly, a few friends and I were talking about how inaccessible so many public places seem to be. Even restaurants that offer kids meals don't supply a change station. I can't even begin to count how many times I've had to clean the boy's ass on a table or a bench. I've even gone to such extremes as to do it on a slide at the park.
Granted, Piggle isn't one of those kids that freaks his shit when his tukus is dirty. He couldn't care less. All of the random places I've changed him have been more of a statement than anything. That's right! I'm a rebel!
I really don't care about the glaring and whispers from people around. If they were in my situation, they'd be wishing they were bold enough to do it, too. I'm hoping that, one of these days, an owner or manager will take notice and take the necessary step to facilitate things for us mothers. I also believe that every family-friendly establishment should be required to install change tables in both male and female bathrooms. Yea, dads, I'm thinking about you, too!
Chances are, my voice won't be heard, so I will continue to change Piggle on the most accessible flat surfaces if I'm not provided with the proper place to do so. I'd urge you to do the same. Businesses cater to the public, not the other way around. Just like the mall not being mom-friendly, these establishments need to realize that we are probably their biggest source of income. The least they can do is give us a clean area to wipe our child's ass!
Monday, 3 September 2012
I have been known to reek up a pair of shoes that I love too much by never taking them off, but even that takes a couple of weeks. What's his excuse? It's baffling because, though he doesn't bathe daily, he's by no stretch of the imagination deprived of soap and water. I scrub between his toes, tickle his soles with the Bubble-Monster (don't ask)...I even give him a massage at night with yummy-smelling lotion.
Unfortunately for my nostrils, though, these are only temporary solutions. I decided to do some extensive research (aka, I googled it), and as it turns out, the cheesy toes are normal. Babies and toddlers actually sweat a lot more than adults, and bacteria loves cute baby foot-funk. Bet you'll be thinking twice before choosing their toes as your next snack!
Sunday, 2 September 2012
It's not for lack of drive, but at the end of a long day, spent trying to keep Piggle alive, I just can't imagine exerting the energy it would take to get undressed. I can't even count how many times I've gone to bed, wearing the same clothes I wore during the day. If I can't even mange basic personal hygiene, I most certainly can't be arsed to be 'sexy'. Plus, it's really hard to get in the mood when the boy may wake up at any minute. Nothing hot about telling your husband to shush every few seconds to make sure your rushed attempts at sex didn't disturb the baby.
People constantly ask me when I plan to pop out a sequel. What they must not realize is that Piggle is the best birth control on the market. Sheer exhaustion aside, what sane person can look at their toddler and say, "I need two of these!" Exactly. I shudder at the sight of man-bits! With the threat of Toddler 2.0 looming over my head, it's difficult to get into the right mind frame for sexy time.
I've had several readers write in, asking me to talk about doing the deed when you have a mini-demon. To them, I say, count your blessings! No, you may not be having earth shattering orgasms, but isn't a good night's sleep way better anyway?
In all fairness to the 'un-lucky' dads out there, it's not that we don't want the closeness or the hot nastiness of 2 years ago. We're just tired. I've actually heard tell that most women are anti-penis for the first 24 months of their child's life. It's a natural spacing instinct. That, and for us nursing moms, having one human attached to our hooters all day is enough, thank-you very much.
Aside from the physiological standpoint, what mother has time? I've always been pretty decent with time-management, but it baffles me when I see a woman pregnant while toting around a tantrum-y kid. My first thought isn't "what the hell is she thinking?" It's "how on earth did she manage that?!" I have several friends who are pulling it off beautifully, but I know I certainly couldn't!
That all said, I do think it's important for couples to carve out some time together. It doesn't need to involve sex, but it's vital that you keep your relationship strong. In 20 years, when the kids are all grown up (and hopefully out of the house), it'll be just you two. You certainly don't want to find out you're married to a stranger.
For you single ladies, I leave you with different advice: you do the work of two people. Your life revolves entirely around your child(ren), without so much as half an instant to just breathe. To you, I say hire a sitter, go out on a few dates, and let your hair down once in awhile.
And finally, to all my sex-less mamas out there, go out and buy yourself a vibrator. It gets the job done with half the effort...no lingerie or half-assed attempts at strip teasing. You'll thank me.
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Add peas to blender with the water and egg; puree until smooth. Pour the mixture into a medium bowl and stir in the flour, salt, and baking powder and gradually mix with a fork or whisk. Let the batter rest for 10 minutes while you clean up. Place about 2 tbsp of oil in a saute pan, warm over medium heat until shimmering, and drop 1 tbsp batter into the pan. Gently cook for about 3 minutes, until you see bubbles forming around the edges. Flip and cook on the second side until very lightly browned. Continue until all the batter is gone. Serve with butter or plain yogurt.
See? Easy and cheap!
Piggle adores these, and we add different spices each time. The original recipe is amazing, too, though. Give it a try!
In celebration of my achievements with the boy (and the 4 lbs he's gained in month), I want to give one of you, my readers, a copy of Toddler Cafe. Hopefully, the lucky winner will have the same positive experience with it and can stop trying to sell her child.
Good luck to all that enter!